My ex and I live 4hrs apart. He has not seen our son since he was 6 months old. We finnaly had a mediation in which I had three requests that he follow if he wanted to get involved 1. Don’t smoke cigarettes in an enclosed area with our son, 2. enroll in some parenting classes and most importantly be consistant and involved or don’t be at all. His idea of building a relationship with his son was to see him one weekend a month. I said that it wasn’t frequent enough to build a bond with our son. I don’t want our son to have to be visiting with his father someone he doesn’t know once a month, forget about him and get retraumatized again in a month. I told him every two weeks he should see him. I am willing to help with transportation. Just wondering do you guys think that once a month visits are better than nothing at all or not enough at all?
Chosen Answer:
Hun, I hate to be the barer of bad news, but if you’re having to try to convince him to see your son – it’s probably better if you just cut the ties.
First off – overnight visits for children under 3 are not recomended, at least not in Texas. However, the distance can pose a problem for daytime visitation. Then thing you have to ask yourself is this: If he doesn’t WANT to have your son around that often, can you really trust him to take care of him properly?
I know where you’re comming from. My ex left us when my son was 8 months old. He had sorta “gone nuts” so I was worried that I was going to have to fight to make sure he had supervised visitation. I needn’t have worried, even when I let his mother be the “supervisor” he never showed up. My son saw my ex only spiratically through the first year or so after he left – those times were almost always by accident. My son would be visiting his grandparents and his dad would show up. After his dad moved out of the state, he’s never seen him again. At 4-years-old, my son has gone more than half his life without seeing his father. His dad doesn’t bother to call. He’s never sent a birthday or a christmas present – not even a card.
When he first left, I called every two weeks to remind him of when his visitation was. I bent over backwards trying to get my son to have time with him. It just never worked. If a father doesn’t want to be involved, you can’t force it. You’ll just end up hurting your son worse. Take the child support and move on with your life.
As much as it hurts right now, your son will easily recover from losing his dad. He doesn’t KNOW him, so the loss won’t be so painful. One day his dad might decide he wants to be involved. At that point in time, they can start the relationship up again. However, if your ex is dragging his feet, then he’s not ready to be a dad, and will only hurt your son more by being a “on again off again” parent.
